A Valentine from an exSuperwoman!


Valentine’s Day is almost here. It’s always an exciting day filled with expressions of love, adoration and affection for the object of our admiration. We often demonstrate that love by giving cards, flowers, chocolate and other gifts too numerous to mention.  It’s fun!  It makes our heart glad and gives us those warm, fuzzy feelings that lift our spirits and make us feel giddy. Giving is a very special and unique action that blesses the giver more than the receiver. You’ve heard it before: it’s more blessed to give than to receive. Have you ever asked why that might be true?

Since I became an exSuperwoman, I’ve learned a lot about giving. I’ve learned that I’ve been given some things that should not have been mine. Unfortunately, I did not have the choice to deny these “gifts.” These “presents” were forced upon me, and the little girl in me didn’t know she could refuse them.  Now, I realize I don’t have to keep what’s not mine.

It’s more blessed to give than to receive because we give out of the abundance that’s in our heart. As a victim of incest by a brother, I was given an abundance of “gifts” that were not mine. The excruciating trauma I suffered as a result of the consistent physical, sexual and psychological abuse I received as a child produced silent screams of agony that, for years, I sought to conquer with various tools of self-destruction. There’s something quite dreadful about keeping what’s not yours. It’s like giving a baby liquor to drink or making a toddler drive a car. These “gifts” will only produce a sick child and a crash victim. These “gifts” yield a harvest of disaster and devastation for the one who should have never been given them anyway. So, it’s out of the abundance of what was in my heart that I give back what was given to me.

I’m giving back shame.

I’m giving back self-loathing.

I’m giving back humiliation.

I’m giving back low self-esteem.

I’m giving back silence.

I’m giving back false beliefs.

I’m giving back negative self-talk.

I’m giving back embarrassment.

I’m giving back sorrow.

I’m giving back the burden of carrying the heavy armor that separated me from experiencing the full range of my humanity.  This Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to continue on the road to recovery and the journey to joy by giving back the gifts I never asked for.

What will you give back this Valentine’s Day? I’ll give you a start with my Valentine to you:


Roses are red

Violets are blue

Freedom is yours

If you give it to





PEACE and Chicken Grease! – Dr. Kim

Copyright 2011 by Kimberly J. Chandler


7 thoughts on “A Valentine from an exSuperwoman!

  1. This is an amazing, raw expression from an amazing person. Thank you for sharing this and for writing such a powerful piece.

    • Thanks so much Jerome! It’s so wonderful that this social media is allowing our work to reach new audiences. Feel free to subscribe to the blog so you’ll receive posts as soon as they come out. Also, pass the blog address on as you see fit. ExSuperwomen Rock!

  2. Hello Dr. Kim,

    Foremost, I commend you for sharing your story. While, this may not be your first time sharing your story with others, each time you do, it is liberating and empowering, not only for you, but for others, especially those who have experienced the same thing.

    I believe what allows women to overcome such girlhood trauma is that they knew all along that they were good girls and did not deserve such violation and disrespect. You did not deserve experiencing incest from your brother, Dr. Kim. I look at you today, and I see such goodness and love. You were, and are, goodness and love. You deserve all the goodness, love, and joy you can stand.

    While I am sure you have an extensive library of wonderful self-help books, I recommend the book, All the Joy You Can Stand, by Debrena Jackson-Gandy. I read it a while ago. Please, peruse & purchase the book through my online bookstore http://bit.ly/eaY6tH As I worked through that book, I was able to release over 100 pounds of excess weight, embrace a phenomenal level of self-confidence and self-worth, and truly understand and express my own sense of joy. It was a process. But, through it all, I developed like a beautiful flower coming forth in the spring, and by summer, I was in full bloom–I was ready to move forward with more grace, and joy.

    However, such life experiences will always be a part of one’s psyche, the spirit/mind, those parts which control attitudes and behavior. Reconditioning the psyche becomes important in the process of letting go and learning healthy ways of coping. I think reconditioning takes place as maturity forms, due to time and education. However, an antecedent to reconditioning is chaos and destructive behavior, and of course such behavior is normal in the process.

    However, I know a few women who have stayed in destructive modes of behavior (e.g. abusing alcohol, being a brawler and bully, etc.) yet continue to be functional (e.g. keeping a career, maintaining long-term relationships with family and friends, etc.), even after therapy and reading self-help books, because the trauma was too overwhelming. But, I think the most amazing, empowering, and encouraging response to incest and such traumatic violations is–the woman’s voice. Women telling their stories help other women who are in the process of letting go and incorporating healthy ways of coping. Iyanla Vanzant says, when women tell their stories, they heal themselves and help others heal. Also, using the voice to tell one’s story is a sign of self-care, self-love, and willingness to grow and develop. It is definitely a phenomenal means of making a break through. Again, thank you for sharing, and have the best Valentine’s Day ever!

    • Wow KeKeMichel! It is always so inspiring to read your comments. I’ve got to check that book out. Thanks for the referral. You’ve given me a lot to chew on, and chew I will! Keep using your VOICE!

  3. Dr. Kim,

    I don’t know how I missed opening this post when you sent it Monday. This is so powerful. I am so sorry for what happened to you, but I am also glad that what Satan meant for evil, God meant for good. It’s so good you have come to a place of understanding, letting go and being who you were supposed to be, and you can help others to overcome. I will be sharing this post with others who still have those unwanted gifts tucked away in deep closets and are keeping the doors shut tight. Yes, we can release stuff we didn’t ask for so that we can be who we were meant to be.

    • Hey my Detroit Sista! Thanks for the kind comments. And yes, please share the post far and wide. God is so gracious! Writing this post was one of my best Valentine’s Day gifts to myself. I hope it will also be to those you share it with.

      PEACE! – Dr. Kim

  4. Pingback: The Valentine’s Day Gift « Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman

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