Sadness is an emotion I was never quite acquainted with in the past. The pain and torture of consistently reliving my childhood trauma overrode the fine nuances of more delicate emotions. I lived on the left end of a continuum of pain and pleasure: pain was my faithful friend. However, as an exSuperwoman, I learned how to release my pain in order to learn about the wealth of wonderful gifts sadness can bring. Here’s one way I experienced that very gift:
I was visiting some friends, a husband and wife to be exact. In the past, their relationship had been kind of rocky one might say. Really, their relationship was languishing at the surface level. Their relationship had not grown or matured in a way that characterized a supportive, loving, nurturing team. They were not very different from a lot of couples, so my description of their relationship is not a judgment, but a realization of the realities of relationship growth cycles.
What I found when I visited my friends was a relationship that was growing into a true partnership. They were loving each other based upon who each person truly was, not what each person wanted the other to be. It was exciting to see how they were honoring each other. They were having fun with each other! There’s nothing like a couple – married or not – that truly enjoy the blessing that a relationship can hold if you are willing to do the work.
That was it! I realized that this couple was actually doing the work…and that’s when sadness started to creep into the vestiges of my memories. I, too, enjoyed a past relationship that languished in shallowness. I could see the potential blessing in doing the work of relationship building. My partner could not. We, just like my friends, were simply two great people with two trauma-filled pasts trying to move as best we could into our two great futures. But, it takes more than one person to push past the ego and former pain to see that maybe — just maybe — you can be brought together to participate in each other’s healing while being an example to others that demonstrates the true traits of love:Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. –I Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
I was pretty sad, I’d say. When I saw my friends, I felt the sadness of opportunities missed and the pregnancy of possibility aborted. I…was…sad…BUT…
At the end of my short time of sadness, I found great peace. I found peace from fully feeling all of the feelings associated with memories I’d not fully engaged. I found peace in understanding that there are times and seasons for everything. There’s a great Biblical passage in The Message Bible, Ecclesiastes 3:1, that states, “There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth.”
What this passage said to me is that it was okay to be sad about that time and that situation in my life. How it played out was just how it was supposed to be. I could not be who I am now – an exSuperwoman – without that relationship ending up just like it did. I have a life I love and enjoy. I have friends that are closer than brothers and sisters. I am fulfilling my mission for coming to this earth. Now, unlike during the season of that relationship, I live an exciting, challenging, fulfilling, busy, blessed life. Therefore, everything was/is in Divine Order. I’m swimming with the current of my life, not against it. Now that’s P.E.A.C.E.
Don’t be afraid to feel the sadness of times and situations in your life that did not turn out how you wanted them to turn out. They are as they should be. You are where you should. Your life will be what it should be. Don’t block the blessing of your sadness. Your sadness is waiting to give you the gift of knowing that your past is producing who you are and who you are destined to be in your future.
Your past is not who you’re waiting for anyway…you are who you’ve ALWAYS been waiting for!
PEACE! – Dr. Kim
Copyright 2011 Kimberly J. Chandler